Love, the military and personals

I have this soldier. He’s the quiet, silent type who’ll smart off like you wouldn’t believe. He’s gotten his share of push ups from me, but I have to tell you: this kid knows how to play his “I’m in Iraq” card with the women. He posted his mug on a personals site, saying he’s in Iraq and constantly in danger. And man, oh man, is it paying off. This boy gets more mail in a week than I’ve gotten all year. One girl who writes him puts hearts on the envelopes and sends three letters a day. Psycho!

He receives anywhere from 10 to 50 emails a day from girls, telling him how brave he is and how they’d like to meet for “coffee.” He put a picture of himself on Hot or Not dot com, and he’s a bloody 9 just because he’s wearing a uniform. This kid purchased a cell phone just so he could call the hotter ones on his time off. His door’s often locked. Hmmmm.

Now, I’m no Brad Pitt, but I’d like to think I could hold my own with the ladies. After all, I did win third place in my high school male beauty pageant. Hey, blue eyes will take you places in this ol’ world. As this guy is quickly becoming the next Tom Cruise on personal sites, I am beginning to wonder if I have taken advantage of all the opportunities this deployment has given me.

I’ve seen the movies and heard all the stories about women loving men in uniform. To be honest, that hasn’t worked for me over the years. See, I’m not your typical man in uniform. I am insecure because I have my mother’s hips and I just need somebody who’ll listen to me and hold me. OK, I’ll cut the crap. Before I deployed, I was a walking box of tissues. I’d tell a girl I’m going to Iraq, and oh man, look at the time, shoot, I’ve gotta go. Uhhh, I left the stove on. Girls, who didn’t already know me, were afraid to get close. Some would stay distant, but wanted my email. Others just wanted me for one thing. And I have too much respect for myself to be used by women!!

To be honest, I’ve seen the strain war puts on a relationship. Two people have to be very strong to survive. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard about husbands not hearing from their wives for three weeks. The next time they call, they hear another man’s voice “who’s that.” I was assigned to an infantry squad back in April, and I learned that every soldier’s wife in this squad was cheating on them. It’s not like these guys could seek retribution by pounding down a few cold ones and whipping the adulator. Nope, day in and day out, they had to worry about staying alive. What kind of person cheats on their Army husband anyway?

I’ve seen the other side too. I have another soldier who met her fiancée at a military school. I don’t think I’ve seen anybody more in love than this girl and vice versa. She occasionally relays nice messages he sends and I think wow, this war has made them stronger. Her fiancée was in Fallujah at the heart of all the battles there, and she wanted to go be with him. Imagine telling that to your kids some day… “Son, I knew your mother was the one when she hitched a ride to Fallujah to take pictures with me. She swam through the Tigris River and climbed rooftops just to be with me. And now, she won’t even compliment my hair color.”

For me, I’m just happy being single. I could post my face on a web site, but my plan is a little different. But I won’t tell; I’m the mysterious type.