In Iraq for 365

About my experiences in Iraq... the frustrations, the missions and this country... and the journey home

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Questions from Mr. Stutter Pants

It amazes me what complete strangers ask. I was still in uniform traveling to Illinois when I stopped at a gas station. This trucker, who claimed he was once a Navy Seal, grabbed me just before I could find the chocolate milk section. The poor man stuttered and was incredibly annoying, which is why I’ll call him Mr. Stutter Pants…

“Diiiiddd, ah… did you fire your weapon?” asked Mr. Stutter Pants. Yes. “How do you feel about that?” I wanted to say, well how the fuck do you think I feel? It makes me feel like a damn cub scout. But my mom taught me not to cuss to strangers. OK, I guess. “D. d. d. do you feel messed up when you uhh…uhhh. Got back?” Geez is this guy a counselor? I just want to buy my chocolate milk and I feel awkward talking to you about this. “What did you doooo thhhhheere?” Army journalist. “Oh, so you really didn’t see any action then?” Nope, sure didn’t pal. In fact, me and the insurgents had pizza parties once a week where we played hide and go seek. It was such a great time.

Just when I didn’t think I could handle much more of this conversation, a lady yelled into the microphone demanding some truck be moved. Luckily, it was Mr. Stutter Pants’ truck. “Hey, I’ve got to move that truck. Stay here, I’ll be right back.” I got my quart of chocolate milk and left the store.

So far, I’ve had about 1,000 strangers want to talk to me about Iraq. Most people just want to say thank you, which is awesome. Nothing makes me smile more than a sweet old lady marching across the room with a cane in hand just to tell me thanks. Some people have offered to buy me lunch, beers or give up their first-born daughter for my “enjoyment.” I’m still adjusting, so I typically decline. To be honest, conversation – even with friends – actually frightens me. I don’t know what to say half the time and I still cuss a lot. But it makes me feel special when somebody says thank you; it really does.

However, it’s the folks like Mr. Stutter Pants who have driven me to grow stubble on my chin and not tell people I was in Iraq, which is really hurting my budget and means I can no longer splash Brut on my freshly shaven cheeks. Thanks a lot, Mr. Stutter Pants. My guess is that the people asking the intrusive questions are Soldier of Fortune readers who care more about the blood and guts of war rather than the men and women in uniform. They want details of combat; they want to see bloody pictures; they want to hear about the experiences I’d rather forget.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind answering… so, what’s it really like there or do you think the elections will happen or are we doing the right thing, but being asked “did you lose any close friends” is just too much for me right now. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to have these types of conversations. But not now. I’m still too close to the war.

92 Comments:

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Joy said...

I have enjoyed your posts immensely. You have taught me a great deal about being able to see beyond the obvious, and your recent posts have helped me to understand the "coming home" better. Our sons are deploying soon, and your observations and your sharings have really helped to show me how to better support their eventual homecomings. You are very talented...I hope you know that... I will enjoy reading whatever you write in the future... please be prolific!
Thankyou for sharing your 365 with us....and thankyou for sharing Samir with us...I have added his name to the list I keep in my prayer book.
Blessings ..and WELCOME HOME! (it was really good that you didn't shoot the driver in Chicago...but I understand intimately the desire!)
Joy Franklin

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger liz said...

Aw hon,
i know it wont help much, but i can tell you my husb. went through the same thing when he came home from iraq. everyone asking if he killed anyone etc..and he felt the same way you do. he usually just told them "i really dont want to talk about it" and that usually stopped the questions. coming home and adjusting is hard. he even had to stop himself a couple times from spitting on the floor in the house. he had a hard time sleeping because "it is too quiet". Driving was another matter, i guess he was used to parking pretty much anywhere.

just know that you are not alone in the way you feel and dont be afraid to tell people when they are being intrusive, most will understand.

hugs,
liz

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger jutsow said...

Hi, I've lurked for quite awhile and finally got the guts to comment! I've really enjoyed your posts. Welcome home and thank you, both for your service and for the great commentary on this blog. I served in the first Gulf War (Army journalist doing radio news for AFDN-Eagle Radio). Talking about my experiences was very difficult when I got home. It's nearly 15 years later, and I still don't talk about the tougher parts of those days to anyone other than very close family/friends. IMO your reaction is quite normal. So for now, relax, get some rest, and enjoy being home. Thanks again!

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Sue said...

Welcome home and glad to hear you're settling in relatively ok. I can imagine it would be very difficult to want to talk to everyone about it. People think they're only trying to show interest and support, but it cuts too close to the surface. Like talking about your family to strangers. Maybe you should get business cards written up that say "I appreciate your interest. If you want to learn more, read [insert webpage].'

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger Greg said...

Been reading you for a while, but first post...

Since I will probably never meet you in person to say this, consider this a 'Thank you!', and a 'Welcome home' :)

I have enjoyed your blog tremendously, and thank you for that, too.

 
At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for about a month and I've really enjoyed it so far. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Most of us really have no clue what to say to returning soldiers, but I hope we would be sensitive enough to avoid the more probing questions. My dad was in Iraq for 15 months and returned in August 2004, and he is still having trouble adjusting completely. He couldn't sleep much either and has a lot of PTSD symptoms. So don't worry too much that certain things are hard, it will get easier in time, and hopefully the obnoxious people will go away. Probably the best thing to say to anyone is like Sue suggested, just point them to your blog if they really want to know.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger JUST A MOM said...

Hey Smink,, you just worry about if you want the real choc. MILK or just the choc. drink! Also if it really makes ya feel better, go ahead and use the BRUTE!
I guess I am back to,,, Hang in there guy! You will be just fine, give it time! All the time you need. just keep writing! THANKS

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger strykeraunt said...

The fact that strangers are asking you these questions really tick me off!! This is something that I have never asked my own nephews and would definitely not ask a stranger. I heard a talk show host ask that type of question while interviewing a soldier who was home on R&R. The temptation to call the host and let him know what I thought about him was so strong that I even grabbed my cell phone before I came to my senses. And no, I am not the type that calls radio stations. In regards to the cussing, people who are really follow what goes on in the war zone probably understand and don't care...I know it doesn't bother me. I always figure if you can go fight a war for me, I can listen to a little cussing from you.

One more thing, does anyone get the idea that Mr. Stutterer was never a Navy Seal :D

Enjoy your free time!!

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey welcome home and thanks for everything. Thanks for bringing the war home to so many people and telling your side of the story. I would never claim to understand your re-acclamation to civilian life. I will say this, you were over there in Iraq, you experienced and you saw it first hand, but now being home you are just going to become another citizen with one opinion and one vote. But you will always know, you were there, you survived it. I lived a few blocks from the world trade center on 9/11 and saw enough horror for my life time. I held it in and it is too hard to talk about to unless I find someone who was there. I walked around for a year thinking I had my own special superior understanding of what this terrorist war was about compared to the people who were not there. Then we invaded Iraq and I saw my opinion had not made a difference. Speak up when people ask you, be a writer, educate people. Don't let your point of view get lost in the clutter, even if I disagreed with invading Iraq, we are their now and for a long time. We need people who know from first hand experience what it is really like in Iraq and to have served there.

There was also a CNN special on Iraq tonight and it covered the soldiers side, the reporters side and I am interested if you saw it and if you did what you thought about it?

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger betsy said...

You raise a very good point - where does courtesy stop and intruding begin? We are encouraged to "thank" our guys 'n gals for their service so that unlike Vietnam, the soldiers do know their service is appreciated. Yet many people do not know when to shut up. A sincere thank you should be enough and not intrude too much. It kind of reminds me of a friend who has a disabled child. In their haste to not appear UNconcerned when encountering her with the child, people become OVERly concerned and say inappropriate things. And let's face it, some people are just stupid. I agree with whoever suggested having cards printed up, directing people to your blog, that's a great idea! Glad you're back and safe.

 
At 1:46 AM, Blogger Patrick said...

If you can, find a combat veteran who has his stuff together and spend some time talking. The key is avoiding people who declare themeselves super-troopers because they are almost invariably wanna-be's. I know maybe two guys that I've met since I got out of the Navy who actually are Navy SEALs, and they were introduced to me by close friends I trust. Very few SEALs out of the service brag about their service. A lot of people who claim that they were SEALs are just doinks who wished they could be something. I was never a SEAL and have never claimed to be.

You've experienced a trauma...ok, a series of traumas...and you are learning to cope with that. Feeling screwed up and out of sorts is part of the process. I do not know how skilled you are at recovering from this sort of thing, but it is fair and good to ask decent people for help. If you can't find anybody, send me an email and I'll pretend I'm a decent person for you.

A brief aside about climbing inside a bottle: if this is a recovery tool you can control the use of, by all means do so. One of the better ways of controlling your alcohol habit is being married to, or auditioning for, a good woman. One of the easier ways of losing control of this habit is being married to a bad woman. If this alcohol thing becomes an issue, pretending that I'm a decent person is probably a whole lot better idea than turning your liver and your brain into pudding. You need to figure out the best way to pay the debt you owe to yourself, and I wish you every success in doing so.

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

Maybe Mr Stutterer tried applying for the Navy but got rejected because of his stuttering. Maybe he was curious about what soldiers went through in Iraq. Maybe he was so overwhelmed and nervous he couldn't think of any sensitive questions to ask.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger Pawatwoop said...

I try to thank every troop I see. Most seem a bit bewildered… Especially one PFC in DCU’s I ambushed in the baby isle of K-Mart.

I remember the first troops I approached and thanked. It was a group of 3 Marines in SC at a grocery store. Each had his own case of beer in hand. Little did I know, they’d only been back from the first phase of the War for a few days. When I thanked them, they looked like they might cry out of shock and appreciation. I never really understood why until I went back into the Army last year and a lady came up to me out of the blue while in uniform, looked me in the eyes and said thank you. The sincerity in her eyes cut right through me. I understand what risks lay ahead, but have made my peace with it. It’s all part of the job. But to see a civilian recognize that out of the blue, and see in their eyes that they really mean it… It’s just amazing.

Welcome back, Sergeant. And thank you for your service.

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Sminky... we're so lucky that you come here and talk to us... Thank you for your service, and for your stories that you share!

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger Patrick said...

from a different Patrick ;-)

"is really hurting my budget and means I can no longer splash Brut on my freshly shaven cheeks."

Trust me, this is a good thing.

Welcome home and thank you.

I second the suggestion that you talk to other vets. Even if you don't think you need to for your own peace of mind, maybe its the other vet that needs somebody to talk to. It goes both ways. My dad, (a vet) says that if we can sacrifice ourselves for each other on the field of battle, then we should be able to sacrifice a little ego and some time for each other off of it.

Please remember that even though you are home, you continue to be in my family's prayers. God bless.

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger Papa Ray said...

Hey,

I got out in 69, two tours. I thought I was ok and tried to just get on getting on. I was wrong.

After two failed marriages, seven jobs, and having to climb out of a bottle several times, I went to a VA hospital and asked for help.

I waited almost twelve years before asking for help. I often wonder how much better my life would have been if I had just walked in the first year I was back.

I'll never know

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

P. S. I lied and never even told anyone I had been in the Military, much less in Nam. What do you expect when we were being treated like scum and baby killers?

 
At 4:13 AM, Blogger Huntress said...

Sminks...still wearing Brut???!! Didnt we already discuss that?? See what Brut attracts??? Mr StutterPants!

I personally know Marines and Soldiers who are in Iraq, have been in Iraq, and have seen battle, and not once have I ever asked them if they shot someone, or know someone who died. I will never understand those that do pose these kind of questions.

Hello Mr PoliceMan..have you used your gun to kill someone..how you been shot at...have your been in a shootout during a robbery???

Honestly...some people!

 
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At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey great post and it helped put things into perspective. I think everybody is grateful for what you and everyone else is doing over there. On behalf of America, let me say "thank you.." However, please don't judge all people who stutter based on that guy. My brother stutters very severely and has stuttered his entire life. I guess I'm just sensitive to people saying derogatory things about folks who stutter, but believe me, I know many people who stutter and they're all intelligent, caring, kind people. Please dont' judge based on that one incident. Thank you. -- E. White, PA

 
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