Interview with terrorist

When I interview Iraqis, I always ask them this one question: If you were face to face with a terrorist and he granted you five minutes to convince him that he’s hurting Iraq, what would you say? They either never understand the question or the question just doesn’t translate. They typically answer… “That would be impossible; a terrorist would never talk to me.” Since I’m just waiting for a bird to fly home on, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, so I’ll answer the question….

First and foremost, you guys have to stop wearing all black man dresses when you fight us. It’s nice to identify you and all, but give me a break: don’t wear black man dresses with masks unless you’re trying out for a villain role in the next Spider Man. This outfit doesn’t do you guys justice. We don’t know whether to should shoot you, laugh or take a picture because nobody will believe us. What you really need to be wearing are Yankees uniforms, just don’t wear the pants so tight.

Next, why in the world are you kidnapping family members? What did they do to you? If you have a problem with somebody wanting a free country or they’re working for us, why don’t you swing by and we’ll have a nice diplomatic talk. We’ll start off by offering you a bowl of Cheerios with no milk and then we’ll have somebody give you a massage. We’re nice people. When we interrogate folks, we don’t put a knife to their throat and bend back their fingernails. We simply talk. Oh, don’t bring up Abu Ghraib… that was a few sick-minded jerks who ruined all the hard work we put into this country. You know where those turds are now? They’re in jail! When somebody does something wrong or violates human rights, we throw them in the slammer. You guys encourage such acts, which is why we’re having this little talk.

Why do you shoot at us from holy sites? In our country, we cleanse souls in temples, churches and mosques. You guys behead people. Seriously, do you think God or Allah approves of this? Well, I’ve got news for you; the Big Guy and I had a little talk and He said you are in big trouble. Think you’re going to heaven if you die fighting us? Nope. The Big Guy said your fingers, toes and private parts will be burning for an eternity, because of the violence you incite and commit. It’s not too late to turn back. I’m mean, think about it: do you really want your private parts burning forever? Personally, I would never subject my “boys” to such torture.

OK, I know you think that there are certain times of the year at which you are invisible. (This is true; during Ramadan, insurgents really thought they were invisible and invincible) But you’re not. And in fact, we can see you quite well in the day and night. Our bullets will pierce through your flesh even when you’re “invisible,” so you’re better off just staying at home, eating Cheetos all day. SIDE NOTE: A Kurdish friend of mine fought in the Iraq-Iran war. During one particular battle, the Iranians were driving through the desert on motorcycles toward a heavily guarded Iraqi camp. The Iraqis lit up the Iranians and captured the living. When asked why they drove motorcycles to the front of the camp, the Iranian soldiers responded, “Because the motorcycles were supposed to make us invisible.”

I know you think you’re being tactically proficient by placing bombs on dead bodies, but isn’t that against Allah? Now I’m no Muslim, but if I’m not mistaken, the Koran says that human remains should be treated with respect whether it’s a friend or foe. That’s just another reason for Allah to be mad at you. Man, forever is a very long time. And since I’m a nice guy from a very nice country, I’m giving you a chance to not burn in hell by giving up and helping the former “Cradle of Civilization” get back on its feet.

I’ve met so many nice Iraqis and wonder what happened to you guys, but if my father taught me anything, it’s to be patient and always forgive and forget. It will be hard, but I’ll try to forgive you for killing dear friends of mine and it will be tough to forget the sound of an RPG flying over my head. But I know in the end, after I leave your country, I will forgive you and simply remember the good times and the good Iraqi people. If I don’t, I just might be like you and fill my soul with hate. And trust me, I don’t want to join you in hell… my boys don’t deserve to burn.