In Iraq for 365

About my experiences in Iraq... the frustrations, the missions and this country... and the journey home

Monday, January 10, 2005

Interview with terrorist

When I interview Iraqis, I always ask them this one question: If you were face to face with a terrorist and he granted you five minutes to convince him that he’s hurting Iraq, what would you say? They either never understand the question or the question just doesn’t translate. They typically answer… “That would be impossible; a terrorist would never talk to me.” Since I’m just waiting for a bird to fly home on, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, so I’ll answer the question….

First and foremost, you guys have to stop wearing all black man dresses when you fight us. It’s nice to identify you and all, but give me a break: don’t wear black man dresses with masks unless you’re trying out for a villain role in the next Spider Man. This outfit doesn’t do you guys justice. We don’t know whether to should shoot you, laugh or take a picture because nobody will believe us. What you really need to be wearing are Yankees uniforms, just don’t wear the pants so tight.

Next, why in the world are you kidnapping family members? What did they do to you? If you have a problem with somebody wanting a free country or they’re working for us, why don’t you swing by and we’ll have a nice diplomatic talk. We’ll start off by offering you a bowl of Cheerios with no milk and then we’ll have somebody give you a massage. We’re nice people. When we interrogate folks, we don’t put a knife to their throat and bend back their fingernails. We simply talk. Oh, don’t bring up Abu Ghraib… that was a few sick-minded jerks who ruined all the hard work we put into this country. You know where those turds are now? They’re in jail! When somebody does something wrong or violates human rights, we throw them in the slammer. You guys encourage such acts, which is why we’re having this little talk.

Why do you shoot at us from holy sites? In our country, we cleanse souls in temples, churches and mosques. You guys behead people. Seriously, do you think God or Allah approves of this? Well, I’ve got news for you; the Big Guy and I had a little talk and He said you are in big trouble. Think you’re going to heaven if you die fighting us? Nope. The Big Guy said your fingers, toes and private parts will be burning for an eternity, because of the violence you incite and commit. It’s not too late to turn back. I’m mean, think about it: do you really want your private parts burning forever? Personally, I would never subject my “boys” to such torture.

OK, I know you think that there are certain times of the year at which you are invisible. (This is true; during Ramadan, insurgents really thought they were invisible and invincible) But you’re not. And in fact, we can see you quite well in the day and night. Our bullets will pierce through your flesh even when you’re “invisible,” so you’re better off just staying at home, eating Cheetos all day. SIDE NOTE: A Kurdish friend of mine fought in the Iraq-Iran war. During one particular battle, the Iranians were driving through the desert on motorcycles toward a heavily guarded Iraqi camp. The Iraqis lit up the Iranians and captured the living. When asked why they drove motorcycles to the front of the camp, the Iranian soldiers responded, “Because the motorcycles were supposed to make us invisible.”

I know you think you’re being tactically proficient by placing bombs on dead bodies, but isn’t that against Allah? Now I’m no Muslim, but if I’m not mistaken, the Koran says that human remains should be treated with respect whether it’s a friend or foe. That’s just another reason for Allah to be mad at you. Man, forever is a very long time. And since I’m a nice guy from a very nice country, I’m giving you a chance to not burn in hell by giving up and helping the former “Cradle of Civilization” get back on its feet.

I’ve met so many nice Iraqis and wonder what happened to you guys, but if my father taught me anything, it’s to be patient and always forgive and forget. It will be hard, but I’ll try to forgive you for killing dear friends of mine and it will be tough to forget the sound of an RPG flying over my head. But I know in the end, after I leave your country, I will forgive you and simply remember the good times and the good Iraqi people. If I don’t, I just might be like you and fill my soul with hate. And trust me, I don’t want to join you in hell… my boys don’t deserve to burn.

28 Comments:

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Kim said...

LOL! Great post Smink...

 
At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just recently found your blog through Iraq the Model. I've been reading all of your archives and have really enjoyed your writing. I wish I had found you earlier. I too have been extremely frustrated with the major media coverage of Iraq. We can learn so much more from people like you who are there. I am happy to hear that you will be coming home soon. Thank you and take care.

Lynnette in Minnesota

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger JUST A MOM said...

Do ya think someone over there can write that in their language? NNNNAAAAAAAh never mind they wouldn't listen anyway.
Hang in there!

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Molicious said...

They truly thought they would go invisible? I don't know whether to laugh or be to sad at the stupidity of it all.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this a fake blog? You want to share Cheerios and milk with the people trying to get you the hell out of the country? At least every week, soldiers admit to torture. Its not rare or unusual, at least according to the soldiers who have been there.

You also shouldn't refer to the people who would gladly kill you or quislings as terrorists. Use the definition that Bush uses for his side when the exact same actions are taken: patriots.

 
At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Define what a terrorist is. Someone who uses violence to get their way? Thats exactly what we're doing too. There are definetly many Iraqi's who have now passed the point of no return: they hate Americans to the point of violence. To them I would say: 'Sorry, but you must die now.' But please realize that U.S foreign policy is what brought most of them there. That and sheer ignorance.

But to those Iraqis who have a JUSTIFIED feeling of anger against our presence in THEIR LAND, i would say 'I will do my best to get out of here as soon as I can. I understand your pain, I understand why we're making you angry. I will make sure your people are procted from ALL evil, whether it be the 'terrorists' or our own forces.' Then I would pray to God that they learn to trust us again.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger CaliValleyGirl said...

I love it when people think this blog is fake...it's like they are so brainwashed with other particular points of view that they can't possibly grasp the fact that you are actually there too...and things are different than what they have always heard. Also, they have no sense of irony...sounds like another job for PR Man and his cape! Take care and have a nice flight home!

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Huntress said...

So, Mr Anonymous (Mr A) feels he speaks for ALL Iraqis, does he?

Well, What about all those Iraqi's that DO want us there? Or are they NOT justified in wanting to build a democratic Iraq?

Or what about all those Iraqi's who in an effort to bring democracy to their country have paid the ultimate price?

If they were alive to tell us, I wonder how JUSTIFIED they would believe the terrorists?

Terrorists that Mr A. seems to regard as "iraqi patriots" who have no moral decency, and would slit Mr A's throat simply because he ISNT a Muslim fundamentalist living under a theocracy with no freedoms but instead in a country that they view as morally and spiritually corrupt since it isnt governed by Muslim Fundamentalist Theocratic laws. I wonder Mr A if you would truly believe that those "patriots" would they be justified in beheading your family members? Because these "patriots" believe that a fundamentalist theocracy that denies self governance is the ONLY way of life thats what do not only to foreigners but to their own people who may disagree and want to bring about a democratic Iraq!!! . While these "patriots" were in power along with Saddam, they simply killed Kurds or Shi Ites because...well... because they were kurds or shi ites. I wonder how JUSTIFIED they were in those actions.

Since Mr A thinks he speaks for ALL Iraqi's ...rather than the liberal leftist Americans that he clearly represents... Maybe it would behoove him to read "Iraq The Model",or "Free Iraqi" blogs and explain to those Iraqi's who want democracy how UNJUSTIFIED they are! I mean clearly they cannot be patriots of Iraq since Mr A. has told us all unequivocably that the terrorists who stand in the way of democracy are the 'true patriots" of Iraq!

And maybe Mr A. needs to remember that Iraqi men are joining the Iraqi police and security forces OF THEIR OWN VOLITION risking their lives so that ALL Iraqi's may be able to have the same freedoms that all Americans are fortunate to have, but that Mr A seems to believe ONLY Americans are entitled too.

 
At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya know, the first terrorist i ever met was on the playground in gradeschool. PUNKS ARE ALL THE SAME.... GLOBALLY! can you say CHICKENSHIT? they live just to instill fear because they have no idea what courage is! Patriot? MY ASS!! they dont give a shit about whatever country theyre in or from because to them its all the same playground. NUMBNUTS Oh, Sminkie! how im gonna miss this blogfest!

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr A here,

Huntress here wants to believe that all those against the U.S. precense in Iraq are murderers and cold-blooded killers. Huntress wants to believe that those who don't want the U.S. in Iraq don't want democracy as a result. Also not true. We've shit on the idea of democracy so much that when they hear 'democracy' they don't think of the wonderful institution that will be freedom to them, they think occupation, the think oppression.

It's like your mom feeding you vegetables and telling you its good for you. She's shoving it down your throat, pointing a gun to your head. I don't know about you, but I'd hate vegetables for all my life after that. I wouldn't give a fuck how good vegetables are good for me. Vegetable to me would mean pain, suffering.

So be careful what words you use, because they mean different things to different people. As you grow older, you'll see that most coflicts occur becasue of lack of communication skills than actual fundamental differences. That being said, if there are a group of people, like al-Qaeda, who's sole mission in life is to kill Americans, by God, they're just set themselves up to die, because no force, good or evil, can ever match the force of the U.S.A. And its up to US to make sure we always are fighting agaist injustice.

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger Lisa, New York said...

"As you grow older, you'll see that most coflicts occur becasue of lack of communication skills than actual fundamental differences."

Wrong. By that I mean... I fundamentally disagree with you. And that's not just a reaction to your communication skills or lack thereof.

(By the way, you have no idea how old anyone here is so please try to refrain from condescending phrases like "as you grow older, you'll see..." That is a serious communication problem on your part that can lead to conflict but it is not the cause of my disagreement with your premise.)

There are very real differences in worldviews that can not be solved by either side simply "communicating" better. Communication is nice but it has limits.

 
At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I read Anonymous's first posting, I was mildly irritated. Now, after reading the rest, I don't know whether to laugh at him or feel sorry for him.

A little comment for educational purposes...

Terrorism is defined as "calculated" (intentional) use of violence or threats against civilians in order to attain political/religious/ideological goals.

Think about that a little bit before you throw the word "terrorist" around again.

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger strykeraunt said...

Another great post!! I am glad that the freedom bird is on its way to meet you. Thank you so much for your service.

Mr. A, you said, "Is this a fake blog? You want to share Cheerios and milk with the people trying to get you the hell out of the country?"

Actually he said Cheerios with NO MILK. Geez! get the story straight before you go calling the author a fake!! As far as your other comments, you may want to go back and read what you said because most of it just doesn't make any sense. However, I do think that I heard your blood vessels popping as you wrote :D Is English your second language? I truly understand how written communication can be difficult if it is not in your first language...

 
At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the helk??... OK...now I'm becoming paranoid. I'm thinking you have some telepathic powers, Sargeant (guru) Sminklemeyer whereby you *saw* my bad joke laced comments and you're switching threads on me just to confusticate & drive me crazy (very short trip). I keep posting on old threads, thinking I'm on the current one. So, not that it's Pulitzer Prize posting, but doggone it--I put the time into it...SOooo...Jan 3rd's thread was the last one where I left you a note that ref'd you to the November 1st one I had mistakenly posted on, and.... *sigh*..... and now my teeth itch....

[Could I just use your last name in place of "Doggone it!" It's a good word in situations that require such an expression...like right NOW! In case it helps: I did live in Tulsa for 7 years]

God bless,
Rocky Mtn. Snow Leopard
[w/in spitting distance of Ft. Carson]

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Bigs said...

Sminkie, you tell the Irag folks working with you guys that they are special people.
I wonder what kind of a person who would fill so much lies into someone and convince them to do such crime! I wonder how they can back such hate with religion.
It is sad that a person would believe they are invisible on a motorcycle and they are cutting heads off, and blowing up inicent people for a God. I wonder if the terrorist lost touch with their true God. I wonder if they are following a Man that is willing to watch inicent people die for his motives.
Are some of the religion leaders afraid of loosing power? Is that why they are allowing terrorist to store weapons and fight out of their Church?

 
At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SushiBoy:

You know, I think I'm probably your biggest fan, and you know that. But I can honestly say, I've never been more proud of you than I am now. They say that in life, everything happens for a reason. Things we don't understand at the time, but things that can significantly color our lives. Most times, it seems that a bad situation usually brings about greater strength, clarity and sense of self. It doesn't make sense that tragedy has to befall in order for us to reach a new level of understanding, but I guess it's the only way we can ever go beyond ourselves and see another side of life. If we go along in our daily grind, not questioning, not experiencing, we often just exist, rather than co-exist, and often just live instead of thrive. Big difference - but only one you recognize when in the trenches. I think that's what you've done. Your Lyme disease and now your war-time experience. Wow. Incomprehensible and terrifying, but somehow, very important. Life altering. Who will you be now? What view will you see the world from? I am so impressed with your writing. I read all your OSU articles and laughed and smiled, and I read your stories about pesticides. But with this, there is a great maturity, a deep soul. Your writing has evolved, my friend. It shines. It transforms.

And apparently, it's gotten you a few marriage offers. I'm quite jealous. But no one deserves more good things in this life than you.

With love,
S

 
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Nice blog. Have you seen your google rating? BlogFlux It's Free and you can add a Little Script to your site that will tell everyone your ranking. I think yours was a 3. I guess you'll have to check it out.

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Trying not to include any phallic analogies, Yahoo this week announced that its overall search engine index is much larger than Google’s and is the most in depth index of ‘web objects’ on the search market. On the Yahoo Search Blog, Yahoo disclosed that its index now includes 19.2 billion web documents, 1.6 billion images and more than 50 million audio and video files - over 20 billion items.

Yahoo is usually shy about disclosing the size of its search index, but the Yahoo Search Blog is celebrating its first year anniversary and Tim Mayer thought that somewhat of a retrospect was in order - since Yahoo has grown into its own as a search engine powerhouse over the past 365 days.

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Greg Sterling of the Kelsey Group, however, makes the distinction of quality over quantity What I, Joseph User, care about is accuracy, quality and relevance. The available index does matter in terms of bringing me a sufficient quantity of results. (And if I’m looking for something really obscure, having that thing in the index is obviously important, which may go to size.).

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At 2:36 PM, Blogger David Pakman said...

Hey, excellent website. A great Iraq resource is Deaths in Iraq. It breaks all of the casualties down by age, race, branch of the military, country, etc.

 
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