In Iraq for 365

About my experiences in Iraq... the frustrations, the missions and this country... and the journey home

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Girls and Counseling

I always imagined a psychiatrist’s office to be pristine and fancy. I pictured Picasso paintings and leather couches. To be honest, those things kind of make me nervous for the simple reason that I am just a guy. I’m not one of the types of guys who admires art or likes scented candles. If I am going to talk to somebody about deep personal feelings, I need to be comfortable in the room. And my shrink’s office was 100 percent masculine, with the exception of a flowered sofa. Prestigious degrees hung on the wall and papers were scattered every where. This doctor of mine was just like me, except she was a girl. She wore braces and was very tall. Quite attractive for a 40 something year-old lady, but I’m not here to hit on her. I’m here to get help.

After my first session, I felt so much better. She doesn’t really say much, just listens and take notes. Occasionally, she’ll interrupt and ask “and what does that mean to you?” Of course, she asks about my family relationships. She asks about other possible skeletons in the closet. I tell her everything. She says, “you are suffering from Post traumatic stress syndrome. And frankly, I am very positive about your condition. Because you recognize signs and you can vividly remember your dreams.” I then brushed my fingernails against my shirt and said well, I have read lot’s of Dostoevsky and understand the human mind. No doubt impressed that I read the great Russian author, she smiled. Little did she know that my instincts were kicking in… Without even trying, I was flirting (with my psychiatrist). While I’ve got my flirting skills back and getting girls numbers, I really need to work on me and just concentrate on the nightmares and my writing and my future.

On the second visit, I focused on the right things… not my shrink’s long legs. I told her about my latest nightmare…

I camped outside with Abby. The moon was bright and the bull frogs and crickets loud. I love the Oklahoma country. As a kid, I slept outside all the time. This time I fell asleep in the back yard within a matter of minutes. I woke up hugging a tree in the front yard, crying and yelling.

My little bro said he was looking for me in the back yard when I started yelling “get down, mother fucker. Get down, or I’ll shoot.” I was chasing him with my arms at the ready. I chased him to the house and I was yelling for my friend “Sammy,” telling him to get his weapon and that Haji is everywhere. I then proceeded into the house at 3 a.m., pounding on doors telling everybody that Haji is everywhere and that we need to go. At first, they thought I was playing a joke until they looked into my eyes… they knew I was dreaming. When I woke up with my arms wrapped around a defoliated Craped Myrtle, my parents and little bro were there. I was relieved I was just dreaming… as the experience felt real. In the dream, I manned a guard tower at my parent’s house. We had a strong perimeter set up and somehow black man dresses surrounded the area.

I don’t think the dream had any significance, because my shrink helped me deal with it.

See, just after two sessions, I feel a lot better and don’t feel as weird about what I’m going through. And I am a lot more receptive to girls hitting on me. Like the other night, a buddy and I were watching the OSU game (I hate Texas) and this girl goes “who are you rooting for?” Green light! I got her number. I won’t call her, because she was too “in to me” but I’m back and I owe it to the counseling. If anything, I’m starting to feel a lot more like I should: a single veteran with lots of money. And the girls are noticing. But, I’m very picky, so I don’t always notice them. Life is good: now if I could just wake up before noon.

160 Comments:

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous ArmyofMom said...

You are going to be alright. Thank you for sharing. Because you are open and accepting of a process you will continue to heal and move on with your life.
I will pray for you and wish you well in every area. That includes with the 'girls' as well. Enjoy.

 
At 6:26 PM, Anonymous nd said...

I found your site, thanks to Mudville, and spent a couple of hours reading old posts despite the fact that I have no time and too much to do- you're that good!
I haven't commented earlier as others had already said everything, but I have to say that Dostoevsky is amazing, so I hope you're not being too facetious. (Crime and Punishment is one of my all-time favorite reads, and after majoring in English, I still read for fun, so reading is my thing...). Sleep well, enjoy the flirting :) and God bless!

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Amber Lynn said...

I'm glad it's helping. I hope you have a quick recovery.

I like to look at Dostoyevsky's name and try to pronounce it. Ha! I have only read The Brothers Karamazov though. Or are you talking about someone else? I dunno.

A good dose of normalness will do you good.

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Sue said...

Glad to hear the counselling's working. The best part is you're getting in early and getting things under control before the TAKE control. I have a friend from Nicarauga who was the leader of his platoon at age 13! He has some extreme issues and it just goes to show how hard it is if you don't (can't) deal with things properly.

And good luck with the girls. Just make sure you follow your instinct - you'll know who's in it for you, and who's in it for the glory.

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Rhodent said...

Just found your blog. I will have to take the time to read some more of your previous posts.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger FVK said...

You Dawg!

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger FVK said...

Oh, one more thing. I think it's awesome that that you were featured by Greyhawk. Looks like you're movin' up to the penthouse. ((smile))

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger JUST A MOM said...

You made me smile again Smink! Your gunna be just fine,,, and by the way what is wrong with a 40 something girl?

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Rob said...

Thanks for posting. Thanks too for seeking help. That is a huge step and you are couragous for taking that step. I support you 100%. Give yourself time to heal and it will come.

I've read your blog for several months now and it's very sobering to read about what you have been and are going through upon your return. Hang in there and god bless you and bless those near to you.

 
At 11:58 PM, Blogger Kat said...

Babe, you're doing fine.

I was just writing a post about this very subject. Being a family member and friend to numerous law enforcement and rescue workers, I've got a little experience and believe me, incorporating your current surroundings, friends or loved ones in your night mares is very common.

My next post will be on what the family members may experience on a personal level like anxiety and helplessness and what they can do to mitigate these feelings and remain supportive to their loved one.

I'll be linking to you and a few others on the subject (though, I am certainly not as big as greyhawk). You're story is an excellent example of post traumatic stress syndrome and how to deal with it appropriately.

Looking forward to the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey used to say).

 
At 12:00 AM, Anonymous dagamore said...

Hello,

Not my first post here, but close to it.

I am glad you have mad the leap of faith required to get some good counseling. I know I had a hard time going to one, after a shooting incident, ex-police officer, but once I started going, I felt a lot better. I hope you get half the help I did, I will make a difference, and it will help. Just like everything thought it will take a while to do and a while to does it right. Another good thing I saw was that you started running again, believe it or not that will help with PTSD. At least it helped in my case.

I hope you get over this, and are able to fully adjust to life back in the states. I will keep you in my prayers.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Kriegshund said...

I have been reading your post for several months now and I love it. I haven't posted before but I just had to ask:
Was the entire part about hugging the tree your dream or did you really wake up after banging on doors hugging the tree?

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Kriegshund said...

I have been reading your post for several months now and I love it. I haven't posted before but I just had to ask:
Was the entire part about hugging the tree your dream or did you really wake up after banging on doors hugging the tree?

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Ramy said...

Smink,

Thanks for sharing once again. I pray for you vets daily and I know the Lord will heal you.

Good luck with the ladies. You'll find quite a few that are "too into you," but you will surely find the right one in due time. I'm one of many that notice the single veterans - for their honorable committment to our country, though, and not for their money. Lots of us ladies like those uniforms. ;)

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger AFSister said...

Again I say, Smink, I wish I knew you in real life. I may be a married spud, but I would give you the biggest bear hug and kiss if I could. You're not alone- you already know that. But every time I hear about you guys having a hard time it just makes me want to send you a big hug somehow. I guess I'll just have to let all of those little hippy chicks you're starting to pick up do that for me- LOL.

Seriously- I'm glad you're sharing these experiences, but even more glad you're seeing the psychiatrist about them. Really good ones help a LOT.

*hugs and kisses*

 
At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Army Mom, Gena said...

Im glad you are going for help, Im afraid some guys wont because they will feel like they are "fine". Which Im afraid my son will do when he comes home from over "there." Im happy to say that Im an Okie also, and I love reading your post, I check every couple of days to read your new posts, and I really enjoy all of your writings. Good luck with everything you do, your going to be just fine...and THANK YOU!!

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger remoteman said...

Smink, I did the counseler thing over a much less tramatic situation that you've been through. The one thing I found is that it helped me get to know myself and really listen to my own feelings instead of those around me. Point is that you may find side benefits from your sessions in addition to dealing with the PTSD. Keep it up. We are all rooting for you. And thanks again for the link to Red at This Is Your War. Top notch stuff that, like your posts, brings it home to those of us who depend on you.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Dang - that would have scared the bejeebers out of me. You are one well balance guy even with the ptsd, your family must be terribly proud of you. Wish a friend of mine from the 101st had gotten some help after he came back. I was ready to make a 900 mile dash for visit cause he had such a hard time around the 4th of July. He seems to have worked thru it now though. You have such a gift for expressing yourself.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Teresa said...

I have to think you are certainly on the road to recovery when you begin thinking about women! But seriously, I have been through this and it does take time to heal, but it does happen and by seeking help you prove once again to be one of the brave ones. Take care.
Teresa

 
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