Have I turned a corner?
The nightmares continue, only now I cannot remember them. This morning, around 4:30, I awoke sweating like an overworked horse and screamed “no.” The only thing I could recall from the dream was a loud noise, so I searched my apartment to see if any hanging objects fell. Everything was intact. Then, I watched some Sports Center, scratched myself a few times and went back to bed.
What’s different now than before is the nightmares don’t bother me as much. Just as my counselor said, I can control the outcomes. And I wonder if this is why I cannot remember the dreams…. Because in the dreams, I’m actually kicking everybody’s ass and subconsciously I don’t want to get a big ego. Yeah, that’s it.
For real though, I’ve learned to deal with a lot of the issues that overwhelmed me before. Let me give you an example… idiots don’t bother me as much. I recently took a boat trip with a good friend of mine and on board was this anti-war, anti-milk, anti-everything-American lady who debated me on the Iraq war. When her reasons turned to personal insult, I felt no urge to throw her off the boat nor did I throw in her face that the reason she can have opinions is because of the American soldier fighting for her freedom. Rather, I felt sorry for her. In fact, I really think I’ve turned a corner.
Take my job for example. I love the people I work with, but my heart was no longer in the game. Therefore, I quit. My last day is tomorrow and while it will be very difficult to say goodbye to my many friends, everybody understands my reasons for leaving.
I plan to spend the next two months pounding out the final pages of my book. That’s right, I will be a jobless writer… but I’m pretty happy about it. And soon, I’ll be a published author… and everybody likes a published author.